On Why: Learning to Love Your Likeability

“When you stand for nothing, you fall for everything.”

One of my favorite quotes and believed to be said by Alexander Hamilton (but that detail has blurred since the 18th-century). I always find it remarkable how someone living so long ago, in such a different way could have said something that still profoundly resonates today. We live in a world of quick judgments, fast fashion trends, and bandwagon fans where the urge to “stick to your guns” often overshadowed by the desire to “fit in”.

I used to be a people pleaser and the idea that someone didn’t like me was all-consuming. I spent a lot of my time trying to balance scales, curating myself to fit what someone else wanted. It felt like every interaction with someone was a test I needed to pass, and after I got waves of the self-doubt questions.

“Did they like me?”

“Did they have a good time?”

“Was I funny?”

“Was I ‘too much’?”

“Am I cool enough?”

“Pretty enough?”

“Skinny enough?”

It took a bad breakup for me to throw in the towel and truly not care about what anyone else thought of me. It taught me a very important lesson, one that I wish I had learned well before my twenties, and that is: Not everyone will like you all of the time.

You are not for everyone. You don’t need to be liked by someone else to be worth their respect and time. Your likability is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to yourself and your honesty. To be strong in your authenticity. Your value is not derived from the evaluation or validation of another.

I learned that to constantly change yourself or strive to be liked by everyone around you doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts your relationships. It hurts your authenticity and the authenticity of your connections. It undermines your ability to truly connect with people. You are not a topiary garden to be curated for another’s enjoyment, you are wild, so embrace it.

Be nice, be generous, be forgiving, but know that others will come to their own conclusions about you. Don’t chameleon yourself to fit everyone else’s needs. You cannot control how others respond to you, you can only control you. Stand for who you are, not who you anticipate someone else wants you to be. It isn’t easy, but it’s powerful. Standing for something isn’t drawing a line in the sand, it’s raising a flag that represents who you are.

You are not for everyone, because not everyone deserves you.