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Dear Molly, My Best Friend is Blowing Me Off for Her New Boyfriend.

16 October 2019

My best friend started dating someone new a few weeks ago and since then I feel like I never see her. She’s blown me off for HH several times, she’s missing our weekly SoulCycle class, and I know it’s because she’s spending all her time with him. We’re actually roommates and she spends maybe three nights a week in our apartment. I’m happy for her (she dated a long time before finding someone solid), but at the same time, I feel like she’s prioritizing him over me and the rest of her friends. Should I say something? Or is this in my head? Just a phase? I can’t tell if I’m just being selfish and don’t want to share her with someone new.

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For a lot of people, myself included, the first few months with a new love are all-consuming. You think about that person all the time, you want to spend all your time with them, you miss them when they’re one room over. It’s a beautiful feeling but can easily make other people in your life feel pushed to the side. I don’t think you are overreacting here. It seems like the two of them have been together for a little while now and the “crush rush” of the first few weeks should be giving way to normalcy, but it isn’t.

Truth be told, my boyfriend and I are a lot like your friend. The first few months of us dating were very fast and overwhelming and did cause a little friction within our friend groups. We had both recently come out of relationships that weren’t serving us and the excitement of being in a solid relationship, so early, was overwhelming. So much so that we didn’t notice how long it had been since we prioritized friend time, until they told us.

Like just about every inter-personal problem, the solution here is to talk to her. It doesn’t need to be an ambush, it doesn’t need to be a long written out letter, but it does need to be in person. A few things to remember when you are talking with her:

/ You can only speak for yourself. You can’t say that “We’ve all been thinking…” When you do that you turn it into an “us” versus “you” situation. In reality, this is more of a “me” for “us” situation. You miss your friend and are acting as an advocate for your friendship. Be open and honest about your feelings, but don’t speak for others.

/ Even if it feels like she is, your friend is not prioritizing him over you. She’s a little blinded with love and likely doesn’t even realize what she’s doing. If she’s a good friend for you, talking through how you feel with her will definitely help. Turning it into a “me or him” scenario will not. If you miss her, you miss her and leave it at that. Making assumptions about why you’re seeing her less will not help.

/ Remember that it’s her choice where things go from here. Invite her to something (like SoulCycle) that you used to do together and expect her to show up, but ultimately remember that if she doesn’t that’s not on you.

/ No one’s happiness is more important than another’s. You don’t get to guilt her into spending time with you to make you happy and she doesn’t get to ignore you and spend time only with him to make her happy. You both will need to compromise a little, but that give-and-take will absolutely serve you in the long run.

The unfortunate aspect of this situation is that with a friend, particularly a roommate, you don’t want to “create drama”. But letting this fester will absolutely breed animosity between the two of you. Talk it out, let her make a decision of how to prioritize her time, and take it from there. If she’s a good friend, who cares about you, she will make space for both you, your friend group, and her new love.

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xx

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