dating dear molly: column

How do I know if he’s an undateable fuqboi?

How do I know when a guy is undateable? Like where is the line? Because personally, I like a guy who’s a little bit of an asshole. Not to me, but just kind of in a doesn’t give a fuck way. I’m not sure how to describe it but I like rougher edges you know? So where’s the line… like how do I know if he’s a fuqboi and undateable or if he’s just a little rough?

 

Everyone has their own appetites for love and what they’re looking for. I can’t necessarily tell you what makes someone “undateable” because there is no such thing. Two people may be mis-matched and struggle to date happily, but that doesn’t make either person “undateable”. Maybe if he wears Axe you should consider him undateable. (I’m kidding… but not really).

The big question here is: How is he treating you? And not in the big ways, in the little ways. Has he truly earned the title of “fuqboi” or do you have mismatched expectations? The biggest pit-falls in dating come from when two people have different expectations around the current situation and potential future. If he’s just messing around and you’re secretly hoping for more it’s only a matter of time before he steps on your feelings. A little introspection goes a long when in the early stages of dating. If you haven’t chatted about being exclusive you cannot expect exclusivity. A lot of guys get mislabeled as fuqbois because they are failing tests that they didn’t know they were taking.

A fuqboi is going to be emotionally manipulative to the point that it will seem incredibly genuine, but what he’s doing is keeping you on a leash for when he’s bored later. This is why they are so damn sneaky. Example, your power goes out for the night. A guy who’s genuinely into you is going to invite you over or suggest the two of you go out or come up with some small way to try and make your night better. At the very least, he will reach out. Texting you the morning after because he was “thinking about you” is not checking in. It’s emotionally manipulating you when he knows that he’s safe from needing to actually support you. This may not be coming from a nefarious place, but the take away is that if you are not a priority for him, so he does not get to be a priority for you.

Take off the rose-colored glasses and be just as critical of this guy as you would be if he was dating your best friend.

Set up a list of boundaries and a list of needs you want from a partner. And then, simply, people who don’t meet these lists are out. It’s not about “testing” a person with a series of random scenarios, it’s about aligning your priorities and not letting them waver because he’s “super hot” or “great in bed”. We tend to make excuses for people we care about, even if they don’t care about us. Having your priorities together will help you filter out anyone who isn’t treating you the way that you want, and deserve, to be treated. The number one person you should be caring about is you.

I wish I could give you a list of attributes to look out for (okay, if he’s over 30 and still sprays Axe that is a problem, but not a tell of his character). The truth of it is that one woman’s fuqboi is another woman’s white knight and it’s impossible to give you an Urban Dictionary definition of what to look for. If this guy is a little rough around the edges, but treating you well and in a way that makes you fulfilled and happy then that’s great and no, he’s not a fuqboi. I sympathize with the struggle girl because, despite dating a massive sweetheart, you and I very simpatico. It’s tough to find the bad boy thrill without also getting the bad qualities.

The biggest way to find out if he’s a fuqboi is not in how he is but is in how he makes you feel. Here are a few boundaries and principles we should all have:

  • Always stay in your power. You should not feel like you are at his beck and call and you should not feel like he is the shot caller. If you are constantly adjusting your schedule for his you need to reevaluate the situation. If you are putting off going home with a guy at the bar because he might call, major red flag. Do you really want to be his “I couldn’t get another girl to go home with me so can you come over?” I doubt you do. Don’t put your life on hold.
  • He makes you cry. Period. Ever. I’ve been in relationships where I was in tears every weekend and I’ve been in relationships where after 5 years I’ve cried once. Guess which one was healthy.
  • Makes you doubt yourself. A little teasing can be a part of flirting and part of dating, but if his constant “teasing” is making you doubt aspects of yourself or feel subpar you need to get out. Breaking someone down is the first step toward gaining control over them. It’s emotionally and psychologically manipulative, it’s how we torture people. If he’s etching away at your self-confidence you need to go.
  • Time with him leaves you feeling used. He doesn’t need to be your boyfriend to respect you, your body, and your time. If you feel mistreated, guilty, or just down after seeing him then he is not worth your time. Don’t make excuses because you two aren’t “official”. If you have plans he can’t blow you off. If you made a deal, he should stick to it. Period.

At the end of the day, you are the woman in charge. You are in the driver seat. Someone who makes you feel like you are driving all over the road without a direction is not someone who is going to support you. Can he be a fun, couple of weeks fling? Absolutely, but you need to keep your head on straight if you plan on stepping into something like that. Stay in your power and someone who is truly right for you will come along.

 

xx

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2 Comments

  • Reply
    Kevin
    14 August 2019 at 4:11 pm

    I think this is a good take considering both sides. Like at the end of the day, you have to remember to value yourself and your time. Great article.

  • Reply
    Caitlin
    14 August 2019 at 5:24 pm

    What a fantastic article!

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