dating dear molly: column

How Do I Get Over Someone I Never Had?

This is going to sound crazy but I’m heartbroken right now about someone that I never even dated. We texted a little but he’s always been more of a friend than someone I’m dating. But I definitely fell for him and he has a girlfriend. I know he won’t leave her and I don’t want to confess my love or anything, but we just click so so well that it was hard not to have feelings. I stopped talking with him to get some space and it didn’t help, I just miss him and spend nearly all my time checking to see if he wrote me. How do you get over someone that you never even had? 

 

Feelings tend not to care how hard you are working to keep them at bay. They don’t care about the walls and excuses you’ve made to prevent them from wrapping around your heart. They feed on every inside joke you develop with that person, every time they text you first, every time they compliment you, and every time you two seem just too perfect together.

Every one who has ever had a crush knows this too well and I feel for you. I know the feeling of dread when romantic feelings creep in when you don’t want them to. What you need to remember is that when you are imagining a relationship or life with someone else you are doing just that: imagining. You are filling in the blanks in with the best case scenario. You are romanticizing every possible interaction. Just because you two like the same music does not mean he will dance around the kitchen with you as if you are staring in your own personal rom-com. Just because you both like the same band doesn’t mean he will read your mind and surprise you with concert tickets.

We tend to think that because someone “clicks” with us on interests that they will also “click” with us on needs. Sometimes that’s true, more often though it’s not. Maybe he seems wild and daring and that’s a massive turn-on for you. That doesn’t mean that someone like that would be a good support system for you and make you feel loved. Or the opposite, maybe he seems stable and grounding but would end up feeling suffocating. Remember that no one is infallible and that as perfect as this guy seems he is not perfect. Being with him would not be perfect. Being with him would not make your life perfect.

If he wasn’t attached I would 100% suggest putting yourself out there, but seeing as he is and you’ve chosen to respect that (good on you) it’s time to move on. Remember that you are romanticizing a potential that isn’t there. Take your space to discover yourself. It sounds cliché, but there is something to taking the time and energy you were putting toward thinking about him and investing in yourself. Come up with something you can do for yourself and whenever you start to get emotionally wrapped up in thoughts about him or find yourself checking your phone every other minute hit pause and go do the thing that is for you. Mute the conversation (you can do this on iPhone and IG, I’m not sure about Android) and reward yourself for going a whole day without checking if he wrote you.

And lastly, in the words of Dua Lipa and 100% seconded by me, “if you’re under himyou ain’t gettin’ over him.” Literally under him or under his spell, if you are wrapped up in him you are not processing and moving on.

 

xx

 

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