dating dear molly: column

Why Her and Not Me?

I’m wondering if you have advice on something…I just want to know, how to get over feeling “why her and not me” when it comes to guys. It just makes me feel not good enough 🙁 Like if a guy is totally capable of treating you the way you secretly want to but chooses not to but then would absolutely do all of that for another girl. I guess I’m tired of feeling like the side person, or the placeholder for when something better comes along. Wondering if you have had experience with this before Kevin or had any insight.

 

Totally know this feeling and it’s a very difficult series of emotions to filter through. I’d start by moving past the mindset that it’s “her” not “me”, because what it really is it “them”. She’s not a perfect being who doesn’t share any of your flaws, she just may be a better match for him. I’m a very different person in my current relationship than I was before. Previously, I was controlling and needy and suffocating because I wasn’t receiving the type of love and care I needed. Currently, with Kevin, I joke that he’s “obsessed” with me because he’s so attentive and caring and affectionate. Him giving me love in the way I need it changed who I was in the relationship. I’m much more confident, laid back, trusting. (The Aries in me misses the drama, but c’est la vie!)

It’s not to say that my ex was wrong and Kevin is right, or that one is better than the other. What it is is the difference in relationships that Me+Ex v. Me+Kevin make. When two people come together and create a third thing that is the “relationship”. You both feed into the health of it, but sometimes you are mismatched in how you contribute to the relationship or how you give and receive to and from each other. It doesn’t mean that either of you is wrong or unworthy or, the dreaded word that 99% of guys like to fall back on, “crazy”. It means that the way you need to be loved differs from the way that he gave love.

It’s hard when we see things from the outside because we know that person in one way, but what we don’t know who they are in that relationship just because we’ve been with them before. People change slowly over time and quickly in situations. Being in a new situation with someone else doesn’t mean that he was capable of giving you everything you wanted and that he withheld it. Each relationship is unique in that way.

I’d also like to point out that you mentioned: “secretly want”. There should be no secrets when it comes to what you want emotionally, romantically, or sexually from a partner. Hiding that part of yourself does a few things. One, it makes you feel like they are withholding things from you because they aren’t giving what you are looking for. Two, it creates an unfair field in the relationship where you hold all the cards and he is working to decipher you like an elaborate scavenger hunt. I’m not saying to unleash all your emotional and sexual baggage on the first date, but it’s important to remember that dating someone is not a game to win. This is not to put the blame on you, but only to shine a light on the necessity for strong communication in a healthy relationship. If you felt like you couldn’t talk with him about these things that is a major red flag that you are better off out of that relationship.

As far as moving past the “her, not me” feelings that’s a tough one. Personally, I think it comes from within. I’ve found that small reminders really help me when those feelings come in. Remembering that it’s not personal (he’s not being kind to her to hurt you), each situation is different (you don’t know all the nuances of their relationship and it could have significant drawbacks. people share the good, not the hard), and that he didn’t leave the relationship looking for “You 2.0”. He left looking for something new and different to experience a new and different relationship.

 

xx

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